We are now fifteen minutes and counting from the script-flip super major mid-season twist that Ryan Murphy won’t shut up about! I think he spent so much energy on the Fight Club rules premiere that he just can’t help himself: “Now everything will be different but have the same cast!” “Finn Wittrock is going to be the most fucked up character ever!” “Daughter from Murder House is back tonight!” Obviously those are paraphrases.
They could also be terrified that everyone is tapping out after teasing us with Evan Peters last week in a powdered wig, only to immediately kill him off.
It would be nice to say that I’m only still showing up because I’m doing these columns, but we know that’s not true.
You’re here, too. It’s impossible not to show up.
Here we go!
Play-by-play:
- Handheld footage right out of the box. I’m going to kill everyone.
- I feel about as excited about this douchebag’s pitch as the fake network people look. Also, I feel the same dissatisfaction with the ending of My Roanoke Nightmare as the research says the fake audience did. Am I being played? Or was that dissatisfaction just written in so they could acknowledge their sloppy resolution without having to fix it?
The second guess. Definitely. - But still seriously Evan Peters might be in this. Lily Rabe and Sarah Paulson could be in scenes together. My capacity for hope knows no bounds.
- Oh shit! Real Shelby slept with the actor that played her husband? I’m sorry, but that’s awesome.
- Maybe this time around everyone will really get killed. OH!! Maybe Cricket will be back!
- If this were a real show it would be the meanest premise ever. I think Kathy-Bates-as-actress-who-played-The-Butcher will actually do some hatcheting this time around.
- RETURN OF PIGMAN! First jump scare since Episode One! All we need is Evan Peters, the electricity to go out, the Blood Moon, and we should be cool for a few episodes.
- Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters! I am happy, I am very, very happy with this. Oh my god this is going to be so hot. I’m even happy with his red hair and not-very-smartness. And he’s in the house. WAIT WHO IS ON THE PHONE WHERE ARE YOU GOING DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. This is emotionally distressing. You can’t dangle the Return of Evan Peters carrot (complete with red hair) and then threaten to yank him away again!
- Well, there you have it. Onscreen announcement that the rest of this season consists of assembled found footage.
- Fine. It will all be fine. The “real” and the reenactors are all mashed together, the handheld footage is not out of control, Pigman is back, we have a new start. A new chance. We have Evan Peters.
- You have got to be shitting me. Fucking nurses.
Extensive Recap Because I’m Excited:
One of Gaga’s husbands from Hotel plays the director of My Roanoke Nightmare and puts together the sequel, Return to Roanoke: Three Days in Hell. Premise being that the people who experienced it (the Lily Rabe cast) and the people who played them (the Sarah Paulson cast) all stay together at the Farmhouse during the Blood Moon, with cameras all over the house filming everything, and the whole place is rigged to do haunted shit and scare the occupants. Which is just so mean. That is so, so cold. Because the world is populated with attention whores, they all sign on to do it.
Gobbledygook in-depth paragraph that will make no sense if you haven’t seen the first 5 Episodes: In ‘Real Life’ between Episode 5 and Episode 6, Real Shelby and Real Matt split up, Real Shelby slept with Fake Matt, Fake Shelby married the Edward Mott actor (Evan Peters), the actress that played The Butcher (Kathy Bates) went batshit crazy, everyone thinks Real Lee killed her ex-husband, and Fake Lee is fighting alcoholism. That sounds more confusing than it looks onscreen.
Of course, the first day that everyone begins arriving at the house things start to happen, but no one producing or that was part of the re-enactors (except Kathy Bates) believes it’s ‘real’. That’s how Found Footage works. The big disclaimer says that everyone is dead.
Essentially, it’s a reset, with the casts mashed together. AND! And Evan Peters. I think. I don’t know. HAD Evan Peters. ‘R’ is for Rory. I’m really upset and happy at the same time, they’re teasing him out one episode at a time. Very well done, the bastards!
This was easily the best episode of Season 6 since the Premiere. The mystery is back, the uncertainty, Pigman (I’m guessing Finn Wittrock is the Pigman? I don’t know), plus lots of Evan Peters. Against all of my instincts, I have been suckered right back in.
Damn you, Ryan Murphy.
AMANDA GOWIN
