Here we go. It is mere moments before the new episode, and I’ve heard a rumor so wonderful that I refuse to google it, because I WANT IT TO BE TRUE. I like being this excited for the new episode of AHS.

Tonight, there will be Evan Peters.

Considering we’ve had to wait so long, I’m expecting some extra good stuff, you know, like brooding and misplaced anger and maybe a little nudity–someone getting stabbed would be nice. Blond would also be nice, but at this point with Cricket and Denis O’Hare dead I’ll take what I can get.

Eeeeee!! Here we go!!

Play by Play:

• Well shit. The farmhouse in NC is Dandy Mott’s family’s home. That big tie-in to S4 was a tad anti-climactic.
• OH DAMN. Evan Peters finally shows up! In … that? He better damned well be in every episode, wig or not. … And it got steamy really fast.
• Don’t mess with Tate’s art. He will straight up Cask of Amontillado everyone. Wait, what did the voiceover lady just say? The END of Edward Mott? If this is all of Evan Peters, all limited to one episode and Kathy Bates just impales him?
• Okay. We have reached the opening credits and Evan Peters is already dead. I’m going to withhold pure and blinding rage until I see if he plays more than one role.
• … And back to our regularly scheduled Uggs and glasses. Kathy Bates’ mob and a bonfire. I’m kind of ready for the land to be consecrated under the Blood Moon. Ooh! Creepy crawly girls! Rednecks with torches! Pig Man! Now we’ve got some excitement.
• The best part of this episode without a doubt is Evan Peters’ face in the torchlight. Awesome effect.
• And I’ve changed my mind. The best part of this episode is the commercial for Tom Hardy’s new show Taboo. Sorry, Evan Peters.
• Holy shit, this episode is really good. FRANCES CONROY! Up one more notch! I mean yeah, a lot of this week is pretty much the Home episode of the X-Files (but with a cannabis crop), but there are fewer voiceovers, and Evan Peters in a bathtub. So on the graph of Season 6 this is definitely climbing upward, well ahead of last week.
• Come on, Butcher, skip the speeches and get on with the sacrifices.
• I have no idea what’s happening. This is like Mystery Dinner Theatre, but with no meet and greet afterward where we get to hug the guy who plays Edward Mott for a solid four seconds longer than is probably appropriate, before the frustrated director explains the ending, and emphasizes that she didn’t write it.

Recap:
In Chapter 5, we get another flashback backstory, revealing that Dandy Mott’s (S4) family built the farmhouse where all this business takes place. It has the advantage over all other backstory flashback expository explanations in that it features Evan Peters in a bathtub. The Butcher wants to butcher. Frances Conroy is filthy. Denis O’Hare turns out to be alive, then gets bashed in the face with a sledgehammer, so I’m pretty sure he really is dead now. Lee gets out of jail, Matt and Shelby get smashed up a little. There’s an eminent sacrifice, but the dude from American Beauty turns on his Butcher Mom. Shelby, Matt, Lee and Flora escape, we have no idea who the fucking Pig Man is, and apparently everyone is fine and goes far away. This plot thread seems to be over.

I have just one thing to say. If that’s all there is of Evan Peters, I shall rage at the heavens like no one has raged before–well, as it pertains to AHS. And, actually, that’s a pretty bold statement considering how rabid people are about this show, and the entire internet being pretty insane, so let’s dial that back to “I’m going to have a disproportionately angry reaction to the lack of Evan Peters in my life in the context of American Horror Story.”

This episode is dedicated to the song stylings of Peggy Lee. R.I.P. Edward Mott. I’m going to tear my hair out, see you next week …

AMANDA GOWIN